Current Project, In Haiku

The Unexpected Novel

C. L. Hilbert

"Thousand words," I thought,

And eighty-thousand later,

Still, I am not done

Teddy Roosevelt Was Totally Psychic

Ted Rall on Yahoo! wrote this kickass article about Teddy Roosevelt predicting the crumble of civilization due to a morally and financially corrupt government.

And all I can say is, really? Teddy Roosevelt was AWESOME INCARNATE. He was probably the most awesome dude to ever awesome it up. He's a goddamned American legend. If Teddy Roosevelt and Paul Bunyon got into a fist fight, Teddy Roosevelt would win. Chuck Norris lies away at night, wishing he could be Teddy Roosevelt. The Rapture couldn't come because Teddy Roosevelt wasn't there to invite it in. Jesus is jealous of Teddy Roosevelt because his dad loves Teddy more.

And now we're surprised when it turns out he was actually psychic?

Well, I'm not, Mr. Ted Rall.

I'm not.

Devouring Infants

Soon, I will begin devouring infants again. It's kind of my Thing. These are the infants I intend to consume:

Mystery Babies in the weird plastic bag, Mung Bean's babies, Broccoli babies and a third packet labeled only "Zesty Mix". I can only assume these babies will scream as I chew them. That'd be an interesting change of pace.

But ugh. Planning to eat babies is such a hassel. It means I have to crack out my baby incubator again.

This one isn't my best baby incubator. But the best one is upstairs hiding behind my mirror and I'm too lazy to go up there and stare at it, hope that it'll magically start sprouting babies without my actually needing to do anything, wander away, procrastinate for several months, stare at it again and finally, three months later, actually get to work.

So instead, I just took this one out of the closet, sat it on the coffee table and wrote a blog about it. Oh yeah. I'm totally on the ball.

There's a documentary on the tv talking about "bundles of sperm released into the ocean", though, so at least I'm slightly more normal than that. You'll never catch me releasing sperm into the ocean all bundled up. I am totally in the anti-bundled sperm camp.

...you know, now this post is just kind of sad. I'm going to stop before someone from the government shows up.